


Walls So High (That No One Could Climb)

by ohmakemeahercules



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-02 23:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8688226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmakemeahercules/pseuds/ohmakemeahercules
Summary: Killian is reeling after learning Emma is fated to die and entrusted him with the one tool that can save her. Emotional turmoil leads to a questionable decision. Will he calm down enough to make the right choice? This is the Angst!Killian the show didn't address. Set after 6x05, has canon elements but arranged differently.  Any direct quotes from the show belong to OUAT writers. Title is from Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth and Emeli Sande.





	

**Author's Note:**

> 3000 words and several weeks after original plan, this story is done! I first thougtht this would take place after 6x01 walking home from Granny's. 6x05 aired a coupled weeks later. I saw a gap that needed filled. This is my attempt at doing so. The show hasn't directly addressed how Killian has felt about Emma's secret, losing her several times and such. Hope you guys like this! Thanks for stopping by and reading :) 
> 
> Come chat with me! My tumblr blog is ohmakemeahercules.tumblr.com.

Walls So High (That No One Could Climb)    
  
The Charmings gathered in Snow and David’s loft apartment, engaged in some form of forced conversations. Ten minutes earlier, Emma had revealed her wishes to not use the Shears of Destiny should her life be in danger. Everyone supported her decision with varying degrees of reluctance.

Killian, on the other hand, vehemently opposed the idea. He’d remained silent after she promised no more secrets, merely fidgeting with the scissors in his hand. Numerous emotions ran through his mind: anger about keeping such a life altering secret nor considering his feelings on the matter, hurt that she’s willing to throw away what they fought and despair that he could yet again lose his true love even after three seemingly permanent separations.

Emma turned back in his direction. “You okay?”

“Can I have a word? In private?” He snarled in response.

She flinched at the anger in his tone. “Of course.”   
“Calm down, Swan. I’d just like a moment to voice my grievances.”   
Emma nodded and turned to the rest of the family.  “Killian and I are ready to retire for the night.”   
  
As Emma made her goodnight rounds, Snow White sat in her seat. “I know tonight’s going to be tough on both of you. Just remember what brought you together in the first place.”   
“Aye. This is a necessary bridge to cross.”   
Snow hummed. “Growing as a unit is hard work. Take it from a former bandit who lived alone for many years. The perk is you’ll be stronger together in the long run.” She gently squeezed his hand.   
Killian smiled slightly. “Thank you, milady.”   
“David and I are here for you, no matter what.”

Deafening silence followed the whole journey home. Neither had experienced such tension around each other since she held a knife to his throat in the Enchanted Forest. At least then he felt a strange attraction despite his life on the line. This was pure angst suppressed for weeks about to explode on a battlefield.

The yellow Bug parked in front of their residence. Until Killian met Emma, he never imagined having such a place to plant his roots. Yes, the Jolly Roger was a living vessel, but it was mobile with no opportunity to fully settle. Nevermind his reputation as Captain Hook prevented him from staying in any place for long without attracting attention. Now both wandering souls had a place to experience life as a modern cohabitating couple: whispered sweet nothings in each other’s ears, quarrels about various issues, meals by themselves and with Henry.

He opened the front door and motioned for her to go first. She did silently then waited as he walked in. They started at each other for a few seconds before he broke the silence:

“Why?”

“Why what?”

Killian snorted. “Please, don't be daft, Swan! Why didn't you tell me?”

“I was scared and didn’t know what to do!”

“If you weren’t ready at that moment, you could’ve said: Not now, darling. I need a minute alone. I would have respected that choice and waited until you were ready.”

“I’m not in the mood for a lecture, Hook.”

“It’s not meant to be. I’m simply suggesting a healthy, productive way the situation could’ve been handled.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “God, I thought I left Archie at 3.”

“Why the hostility, Emma?”

“Why are you so angry? I told you, didn’t I?”

“Remember the Ursula thing? You were upset because I wasn’t forthcoming about what happened. And I quote: “What’s not okay is you lying to me about it.” Am I not allowed to feel the same?”

She sighed. “You’ve got a point, pirate.”

Killian stepped forward. “Look, it hurts how you’re keeping me at arm’s length. After all we’ve been through, you still think I’m not worthy of your innermost thoughts.”

Emma’s eyes widened. “How DARE you make such an accusation. I can’t believe this. You know how hard shit like this is for me. I’ve fought HARD for this love because it fulfills me like nothing else. Yet, you have the gall to say I’m still shutting you out intentionally.”

“I do when you slam the damn door in my face every time every time a crisis arises. When the truth is revealed, manipulation and deception are central themes?”

Emma put her hands on her hips, narrowed her eyes and furrowed her brows, similar to the initial glances below the beanstalk. “Did it ever occur to you I wanted to protect us? For once in our lives, we have something genuinely good and worth keeping. Ever since we met, there’s always some crisis of magical or epic proportions. I was trying to extend the quiet moment for as long as possible.”

“Then why do you want throw that away by sacrificing yourself again for this town? Yes, you’re the Savior. But you’re so much more: Mother, daughter, lover, friend, sheriff. Think about what would be left behind: Henry without either of his biological parents, your parents losing you again along with your true love.”

She groaned. “I hadn't really thought about it. Stop the guilt trip, Killian!”

He sighed. “I’m not trying to change your mind, Emma. I’m just bloody tired of losing you and don’t know how many more times I can survive without going mad.” He closed his eyes and imagined the poof of magic surrounding him. Nothing happened.

_ Dammit, where’s the Dark One’s magic when you need it? _ One of the few perks of being possessed by Darkness was teleporting at will. Granted, he didn’t want the unfortunate accompanying side effects but God could he use that spell right now. He needed to get as far away from her as possible.

He opened them and looked at his Swan. Her arms were crossed, lips a combination of straight line and frown. Her emerald gaze glared at him, projecting her frustration. He shook his head and turned toward the door.

"Where are you going?" She asked tersely.

"The docks. Need a moment alone, to take a page from your book."

She didn't respond as he left.

Killian trudged his way to the docks, each step weighing heavier than the last.  _ What will it take to prove she doesn’t have to hide from me? One earth shattering secret was hurtful enough, but two in a row? After a trip to Hell itself? What the bloody hell am I doing wrong? Fuck, it’s no use. My feelings don’t matter. Not to her, not to Henry nor a bloody soul in this damn town.  _ He removed the shears from his jacket pocket.  _ I’ll show them Captain Hook. _

His line of sight turned to the waving water in front of him. The moon stood high in the sky, casting its light over the horizon. The chilly wind picked up speed; even his shortened locks tousled in the breeze now. Tremors unexpectedly started to vibrate through his right arm. I s _ hould pitch these into the bottom of the seas where even Poseidon couldn’t find them. _ He drew back his shaking forearm.  _ Don’t do this, mate. You’re angry, upset and hurting. You’ll regret it the second that object leaves your fingers. _

A new scene then formed. He was back in the lush fields of the middlemist flowers. Emma lay over him, clutching his hand as if his life depended on it. The throbbing wound from Excalibur constricted his voice as he pleaded for liberation from his ailing body along with desire to not posses the Darkness; he was far too weak. Emma reached for the sword as the tears raced down her cheeks. The whirlwind of magic circled his lifeless body.  _ NO, I can’t lose him! Not the one person who’s loved me the most. _

_ This is what Emma went through in Camelo _ t. The revelation caused him to drop the shears to the ground. The clang reverberated in his ears as his heart lurched in his chest and tears peeked through his ducts.  _ The thought of me dying was so unbearable, she resorted to the unthinkable _ .  _ I wouldn’t stand by helplessly, either _ . He dropped to his knees in shambles.

He knew he shouldn't have unloaded all that emotion onto Emma. They hadn't had time to process the trauma they went through individually and as a couple. Once the cork popped off, nothing could stop the outpouring of bottled anger, hurt and betrayal. If Killian knew anything about himself, he didn't half ass emotion. Everyone always knew where they stood with him. A lifetime of stolen personal liberties created a man who never wanted to be controlled or force his company on someone who didn't want it. He came as advertised.

A distant rumble and further gusting winds caught his attention once his eyes dried up.  He recognized the fury even  from miles away.  _ Luckily I don’t have to navigate through this monster.  _ Lightening flashed on the bay.  _ Bloody fucking hell, I better get inside. Again, where is that damn teleporting spell?  _ He scurried to his feet and rushed home.

The rain fell when he closed the front door. It added a spookiness to the metal furnishings and black shadows. Emma had said she planned to redecorate to remove the Dark One’s touch. Yet again Storybrooke had one matter after another to attend to, so they hadn’t gotten around to it.  _ She must have gone to bed already. Which is good: she promised she would sleep for weeks after the Hades ordeal was over.  _

He found her curled up in their bed upstairs. Her face had the same hollowed look as his resurrection day: eyes swollen from crying, any semblance of color drained from her skin.  _ She probably cried herself to sleep with guilt. _ His heart wrenched in his chest; all she had done was motivated by love. He couldn't blame her for protecting their relationship. He would’ve done the same thing. Finally, after years of suffering and emotional isolation,  they both had something real and true. Neither one would be the first to let go.

Emma’s eyes opened sleepily. “Killian, is that you?”

“Yes, love.”

“Will you come lie with me?”

“Of course.” He changed into a t-shirt and pajama pants. A significant improvement over nightgowns of 1800s in his opinion. Emma watched him in awe. Not that he minded; they’d seen each other naked a fair few times, along with other enjoyable activities as he’d once said.

Once settled under the covers, both faced one another. The rain aggressively beat against the window and thunder continued to roll as they contemplated their next move. Emma’s mouth opened a couple times but words failed. Yet he could see in her features how she felt: regret, remorse, and sorrow. He hoped his displayed the same qualities. Finally, Killian finally took initiative.

“I’m sorry I lashed out, my love. It wasn't just the Savior business. Everything from the past several weeks out spewed out at once.”

Emma nodded. “I’m sorry, too. For not taking your feelings into consideration. For making you feel like your feelings don't matter.”

“In the back of my mind, I’m still Captain Hook: the pirate people feared and mistrusted. When you keep secrets like this, I doubt both my own and our progress. Self loathing comes back in and says, she doesn’t really trust you. You’re not good enough.”

She brushed hair out of his eyes. “Completely untrue. I’m not used to my decisions impacting others. For years I only had myself to look out for. I absorbed fallout after fallout and moved on. I don’t have to do that now. People love me. Fiercely, deeply, passionately.”

“Isn’t that what you always wanted?”

“Yes.  But once you’ve been a certain way for so long, you think you’re destined to that fate.”

“Until a kindred spirit comes along reminds you that’s not always the case.”

Emma smiled. “Exactly. However, it wasn’t just me building walls. You hid behind the badass pirate act because it kept out intruders. You’d suffered so much already; why let in anyone else in?”

“You’re smart, lass.”

“Only because your book is just as open as mine. Anyway, you’re a hero now because you wanted to. The man of honor was always in there, simply overshadowed by anger and darkness. You willingly let go of those feelings and made amends with those you’ve wronged. No one did it for you.”

“It wasn’t instantaneous. Darkness seemed destined to own my soul. Changing your self worth after hundreds of years isn’t easy.”

Emma laced her hands with his. “It isn’t. I’m here to help you overcome that. One way we accomplish that is no more secrets. Deal?”

“Deal.” They kissed quietly. 

“Speaking of, you didn’t dispose of the shears, did you?”

He flushed crimson. “No, I couldn’t and I’m sorry. The idea of throwing away what might be our only option was ludicrous. Don't get me wrong, I won’t use them without your consent.”

“It’s okay. I get it. I would’ve done the exact same thing.” She paused. “I did do the same thing.”

Killian nodded, swallowing the tightness in his throat. “You didn’t just lose me, you know. I lost you, too. Many times over. Tonight I fully realized why you turned me into a Dark One. Seeing your true love dying in front of your eyes, you’ll do everything to save them.”

Emma nodded.  “What brought you to that realization?”

“I almost chucked the bloody shears into the bay. Nothing appealed more than erasing every reminder that my love’s fate is possibly in danger. Then a vision appeared. I saw your tear stained face as I bled in the middlemist field. I knew if the roles were reversed, I’d employ every possible resource to save you. I couldn’t bear not having at least one option, despite questionable implications.”

“I understand and trust you to keep them safe. We don’t know what will happen if it falls into the wrong hands.”

“I know just the place.” He rose from the bed, fighting back the threatening tears behind his eyes. Despite their previous conversation, he didn’t want her to see him break. He didn't have a good reason; she had a death sentence over her head. The empty chest left over from moving in sat beside the entertainment center. “This chest can magically shrink to hide in small spaces. Would this be okay?”

Emma sat up slightly, her gaze directly on Killian. “Yes, that would be fine. Now come back in bed with me before I lose all my body heat.”

He chuckled. “Patience, Swan. I’ll be back in a second.” He placed the scissors in the chest and locked with a click. 

Emma kept watching him as he approached the bed. She wasn't fooled by his attempts to conceal his pain. The ears appeared on the edge of his eyes now. 

“Hey.” Unparalleled tenderness filled her voice. “What's wrong?

He sighed. “Again, everything at once. I lost you, Swan. And may bloody well lose you again because some stupid villain says so.” The wetness trailed down his cheeks. 

“I can't, either. Hands down the worst 24 hours of my life.” She brushed the wetness away. “But I'm not going down without a fight. I'll everything in my power to preserve this. Us. We’re irreplaceable.”

He bit his lip.

“Come here, babe.”

Killian buried his face between her neck and shoulder as she pulled him close. He exhaled at her delicate fingers in his ebony locks. This gesture never ceased to ease any tension in his body at any moment. Hundreds of years without a lover's touch was lonely, but failed to compare against the despair of watching Emma ascend on Hell’s elevator. Although he'd promised she wouldn't be his unfinished business, he would've waited an eternity for the chance to walk through Heaven’s gates with her at his side. Now that they were in each other’s arms, Death himself should fear Killian’s wrath should he come near his True Love.

For now, the fight ahead didn't matter. All he wanted was his love to hold him, comfort him and reassure him with quiet affirmations of perseverance and survival. The tears had accumulated and remained hidden for too long. If he had to shed them, Emma’s embrace was the safest place.

After a few minutes, he lifted his head. “Thank you.”

She tilted her head in confusion. “What for?”

“For loving me even when I feel like the most undesirable being in the realms.”

“You told me once all sins can be forgiven when someone loves you. Thank you for not giving up. You saw my potential more than anyone else. I'm sorry I didn't make it easy.”

“The challenge was part of the fun. Nor would I appreciate it as much as opposed to smooth sailing.  A man who doesn't fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets.”

“So you're saying you deserve a Mercedes Benz?”

Killian raised his eyebrows. “A what?”

“It's a fancy type of car. A bit of a status symbol in this realm.”

“Ah. You could offer me the fanciest vessel the world; I'd trade it for you every time.”

Emma blushed. “Really?”

“Possessions can't hold you late at night when you're in distress. Cook you breakfast in bed. Kiss you senseless just for the hell of it. Or fill your heart with warmth and love.”

“Sometimes I think you're too good to be true. Straight out of fairytale.”

“Well, I kind of am Swan.”

She smirked and clasped his hand. “You know how to make a woman feel loved. Not just physical affection. Your actions and words, too.”

“That’s all you'll know, darling. How much I cherish, honor and love you.” He kissed her hand. “I'll do the same for you.”

He smiled. “You already have, my love.”

“How about I order Chinese takeout, we eat in bed, cuddle and watch a moving picture?”

Killian flinched.  _ Eating in bed in absolutely is preposterous. I never would have done that in the forest. But I'll humor her.  _ “Sounds like heaven.”

Emma giggled. “Come on, bend the rules, old man!” 

He playfully rolled his eyes. “Only for you, Emma.”


End file.
